Article information
"If charisma were rain, Blackman would be a desert." Jerry Lawler
"Crash Holly's so short, you can see his feet on his driver's licence photo." - Jerry Lawler
"Helen Hart is the only person I know with an autographed copy of the bible." - Jerry Lawler
"It used to be that Shamrock was the world's most dangerous man, but now Shamrock is the world's most dangerous speedbump." - Jerry "the King" Lawler
"Look at the attention the Godfather's getting! Kick my leg, J.R.; kick me in the leg!" - Lawler after seeing the hos swarm over an injured Godfather
Ivory: Jerry, you are a pervert.
Jerry Lawler: Yeah, and your point is?
When David killed Goliath, Mae Young called the cops. - Jerry Lawler
"There's one thing that comes into mind when I see Trish Stratus... MANAGEMENT" - Jerry Lawler
"Speaking of birthday suits, I think Mae Young's needs ironing!" Jerry Lawler
"I got more on my mind than those girls have on their bodies!" - Jerry Lawler
"Stone Cold's favorite beer is his next!" - Jerry Lawler
"One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me!" - Jerry Lawler
"I got pairs of socks taller than Tazz!" - Jerry Lawler
"Ahmed Johnson came from a neighborhood where the most common words heard was, You have the right to remain silent." - Jerry Lawler
Jerry: Tonight on the King's Court, I will be talking to Bret "The Hitman Hart. You know, the guy with those Jurassic Park parents. You know Stu Hart is so old, I told him to act his age, so he dropped dead and Helen Hart, well, she was just born old. When she was a teenager, her acne had liver spots.
(This is when Bret Hart enters the ring in the King's court)
Jerry: Before I talk to you about your upcoming match with Big Daddy Cool Diesel, I want to talk about something that took place a year ago at the upcoming event (King of the Ring '94). Do you remember when I crowned you? Ha!Ha!Ha! Do you remember, or do you have so much oil on your head that it slipped your mind?
Jerry: What is that terrible smell?
Vince McMahon: It is probably Betsy.
Jerry: Who?
Vince McMahon: Betsy, T.L. Hopper's plunger.
Jerry: Oh, I thought Betsy was that lady sitting behind us.
Vince McMahon: Jake "The Snake" Roberts is trying to tell people not to drink and drive...
Jerry: (Interrupts) C'mon McMahon. The only reason why Jake "The Snake" Roberts doesn't drink & drive anymore is because he is afraid he might hit a bump and spill his drink.
Jerry: Isaac Yankem told me the reason why Lex Luger is so stupid is because he has a cavity in his wisdom tooth.
Jerry: Diesel is so stupid, he thinks Hamburger Helper comes with another person.
Jerry: Hey McMahon, did you ever see the movie "WaterWorld"?
Vince McMahon: Yes, why?
Jerry: Do you remember the part where that monster burped up Kevin Kossner?
Vince McMahon: Your point is?
Jerry: That monster reminds me of like Bam Bam Bigelow, HA! HA! HA!
Vince McMahon: How dare you say that monster was Bam Bam Bigelow.
Jerry: It looks like Bam Bam burped up Kevin Kostner all over his tights! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Jim Ross: Ahmed Johnson is home watching the semi-finals of the Intercontinental Title tournament.
Jerry: Ahmed Johnson is probably home eating a big ole bowl of kidney beans.
(Undertaker was stumbling in the ring)
Jerry: That looks like Jake "The Snake" on a Saturday night.
(Mankind is sitting by the turnbuckle yanking out his hair)
Jerry: Look McMahon, there is some extra hair for your toupee.
Jerry: Mankind may pull his hair out, but if he is not careful with you McMahon, he may pull yours off.
Jerry: Hey Sunny, nice belts!
Jerry: Those two make a real lovely pair.
Vince McMahon: What are you talking about?
Jerry: I'm talking about the Slammy trophies.
Jerry: I heard a rumor that Ahmed Johnson needed a kidney transplant, and Jake "The Snake" was the donor, Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Jerry: As Jake "The Snake" would say, Sid's three beers short of a six-pack.
Jerry: Hey McMahon, why don't Shawn Michaels & Ahmed Johnson ask if they can borrow Jake "The Snake's" tag team partner.
Vince McMahon: Who's that?
Jerry: Jack Daniels! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Jerry: Barry Horowitz beating Goldust is like O.J. Simpson hosting a banquet for spouse abuse.
Jerry: Hey McMahon, your hair is looking better every day. It even had imitation dandruff!
Jerry: Hey McMahon, I just saw a movie this past week about Stu & Helen's kids.
Vince McMahon: What's that?
Jerry: Twelve Monkeys!!!
Jerry: Yokozuna is nothing but an ingrate. If it wasn't for Jim Cornette, Yokozuna would still be on a beach somewhere selling shade.
Vince McMahon: Stu Hart recently turned 80...
Jerry: hehehe...
Vince McMahon: Go ahead, make a smart comment like you always do. Go ahead!
Jerry: Have you ever heard that when someone gets older, that they try to act younger?
Vince McMahon: Yes, so what?
Jerry: Well Stu Hart must really believe that because now he is starting to wear diapers.
Vince McMahon: Look at the Hucksters pythons.
Jerry: Pythons!? Those look more like earthworms.
Vince McMahon: Stu Hart had a huge celebration for his 80th birthday.
Jerry: I heard that everyone wanted to get the right amount of candles for the cake, but the fire marshall wouldn't let them.
Jerry: I have a note right here from President Jack Tunney to Dink. I can tell it's from Jack Tunney because it's written in crayon.
Jerry: I don 't want to get Dink mad, he might punch me in the ankle, Ha! Ha! Ha!
Jerry: When Queasy gets done with Dink, he's going to go back to what he can do best and that's being a desk clerk at a roach motel.
Vince McMahon: What are you doing?
Jerry: I just introduced "Sleazy".
Macho Man: You're sleazy.
Jerry: Yeah, nice outfit Savage. Did the bag lady give that to you?
WWF was in South Africa.
Jerry: Where you their, Ross?
Jim Ross: Yes I was. A picture of this ugly thing.
Jerry: Yeah, I see you brought your wife.
Jim Neidhart challenges the British Bulldog.
Jerry: So British Bulldog, do you accept his challenge, or is your breath worse than your bite.
Macho Man: What is he doing?
Jerry: I'll tell you what I'm doing Savage. I am going to talk to a dating couple, something you know nothing about Savage. All your dates are the same, inflatable. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Vince McMahon: Calm down Randy!
Jerry: In fact, the computer dating service called and told me they found the perfect date for you, but the zoo wouldn't let her out.
Jerry tells the girl that her boyfriend wants to marry her.
Jerry: You don't want to marry him. Look at his ex-girlfriend, she's been around more times than a carousel.
The girl said yes.
Jerry: Now that you're going to marry him, just remember a few things. Love your husband, respect your husband, but try to get everything in your name.
Vince McMahon: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Macho Man: I agree with him.
Jerry: I would like be the first to give you a congratulatory kiss... Wow, last time I saw a nose like that there was an elephant attached to it.
(Jerry got a kid to dress like Roddy Piper to make fun of him for their up coming match at KOTR)
Jerry: Nice haircut. Where did you get that from, a pet shop?
Jerry: When I saw Vader crash on Jake "The Snake" Roberts's ribs, that was 100% proof that he was finished. But then again, knowing Jake "The Snake" Roberts he won't drink anything unless it is 100 proof.
Jerry: P.U.! You can smell the alcohol on him.
Jerry: Hey McMahon, why don't you get Jake "The Snake" Roberts down here? Ha! Ha!
Vince McMahon: Oh, you think you are real funny.
Jerry: I want to talk to him. I want to ask him how the food was at the Betty Forbes clinic.
Vince McMahon: Right now on the phone, Jake "The Snake" Roberts...
Jerry: WHAT?!
Vince McMahon: Jake, how are you?
Jake Roberts: I'm doing okay.
Vince McMahon: Jake was out yesterday due to an internal muscle...
Jerry: No McMahon, I told everyone the reason why Jake was out of In Your House. He has barthritis he aches in a different bar every night, HA! HA! So Jake, where are you calling from? The local bar, or the Betty Forbes Clinic?
Vince McMahon: How dare you!
Steve Austin: I didn't know you could get a torn muscle coughing up all that hotch.
Jerry: HA! HA! Hey Jake, I thought you would be here, so look, I got a surprise for you. Look Jake, it's your tag team partner Jim Beam HA! HA! HA! HA!
Jake Roberts: One of these days, someone is going to get you and I hope that it will be me.
Vince McMahon: Jake, when do you think you will be back?
Jake Roberts: Hopefully soon.
Steve Austin: As far as I'm concerned son, You need to stay out for as long as you can...
Vince McMahon: I'm sorry Jake, I will not subject you to anymore of this.
Jerry: So long Jake, why don't you say hello to your friend Otis Campbell, Ha! Ha!
Steve Austin: McMahon if you ever cut me off like that again, I'll back-hand slap you and knock those stupid glasses off your face.
Jerry: The only reason why Aldo Montoya beat me was because he has been hanging around Jake "The Snake" Roberts and has been carrying around those intoxicating fumes from Jake.
Vince McMahon: I'm attempting to get Jake "The Snake" Roberts on the phone right now.
Jerry: What are you going to do McMahon? Tell him that you're a bar tender?
(Jerry just finished a match up with Aldo Montoya and is about to dump a bottle of booze down his throat)
Jerry: Hey Jake, don't get jealous
Jake Roberts: I've got a lot of fire and rage burning inside of me...
Jerry: The only thing you have in you is 100 proof.
Jerry: Tonight on RAW, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin battles Jake "The Drunk" Roberts.
Jerry: Look at Jake, he's missing his shirt. He probably sold it for a shot.
Jerry: Jake is so drunk, whenever he wrestles he sees double vision. But he still wonders why everyone has an exact twin.
Jerry: The only reason why Jake wants to come here is because he probably saw the bottle.
Kevin Kelly: I don't think you have anything Jake is interested in.
Jerry:What?! Jake "The Snake's" two best friends are Jim Beam & Jack Daniels.
Kevin Kelly: Yeah King, it sure takes a lot of courage to taunt a man while he is laying on his back.
Jerry: That is the way he always is, that drunken' bum.
Kevin Kelly: King, don't you go interfere in the match with that bottle of booze.
Jerry: C'mon. Jake looks thirsty. His tongue is hanging out like a redneck's tie.
Jerry: I think they made a mistake when they called him the "Wildman". I think they should call him the "Mildman".
Jerry: My goodness, look at Henry Godwinns teeth, that looks like an orthodontist dream !
Vince McMahon: What are you talking about?
Jerry: Henry Godwin has got so many missing teeth, it looks like his tongue is in jail.
Vince McMahon: Isaac Yankem appears to be scared of the Ultimate Warrior.
Jerry: C'mon McMahon. Isaac Yankem is so tough, he can floss his teeth with barb wire.
Jerry: I was offered a job to write and draw a cartoon about the Hart family. I had a hard time trying to draw Helen Hart because I don't think anyone has invented a pen with enough ink to draw all the wrinkles on her face.
Jerry: Out of all the King's Courts that I have had, you people are by far the ugliest crowd I have ever seen. Look at you. Is that your face, or did your neck throw up?
Jerry: Look at these two, look at her face! You see, it's girls like you that turn men into... well, you know, people like Goldust.
Jerry: Now that Razor Ramon's leg is hurt, he probably has to ride on a wheelchair. If his wheelchair ever stops moving because of rust, he can just use the grease from his hair to make it roll again.
Jerry: If Vader drops the Vader Bomb on Razor Ramon, a huge grease spot will be left on the ring.
Jerry: Hey McMahon, at the Bikini Beach Blast, if you decide to take a swim in the pool, your toupee might raise to the top and scare everyone away.
Jerry: That was the scariest thing I have ever seen, having to sit next to McMahon in the dark. You should have seen his toupee, it got up and started to crawl like a bug.
Jerry: Last time anyone saw legs like that was when the Brontosaurus was extinct.
Vince McMahon: One of these days, you're going to get DDT'd.
Jerry: You know, DDT is about the only thing Jake won't drink.
Jerry: Instead of OJ's kids, what about Jake "The Snake's" kids? We don't have to worry about them though. At least they will be sober. They won't drink anything stronger than pop. But then again, Pop will drink anything.
Jerry: What do Jake "The Snake" Roberts and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up!
Jerry: Savio Vega is taking more shots than Jake "The Snake" does during happy hour.
Jerry: McMahon, do you think Men on a Mission will beat the Quebecers for the WWF tag team titles?
Vince McMahon: I have a feeling.
Jerry: Yeah, it's probably gas.
Jerry: Jose Lothario is so old, Anna Nicole Smith is starting to propose to him.
Jerry: I asked Sunny if she would ever consider dating you. She said she would rather give birth to a porcupine on fire.
(This was during the Karate Fighter tournament)
Jerry: Sunny's got a real nice pair of wrists.
(New Electronic Karate Fighters that talk)
Jerry: Psycho Sid already hears voices, wait until he plays this.
Vince McMahon: Mabel is a real nice guy to the fans.
Jerry: Yeah, but I heard that he is not too nice if you disturb him during feeding time.
Jerry: Mabel is so huge, when he was a baby, he probably got baptized at Sea World.
(At the 1997 Slammy Awards)
Jerry: It's going to be a hair-raising experience. In your case McMahon, a toupee-raising experience.
(Undertaker walking off stage at Slammy Awards 97 and the camera gets a shot of his tattoos)
Jerry: OOOh, look at that face. That's Helen Hart's face there.
Vince: That was Capt. Louis Albano
Jerry: No, on Undertaker's arm. See it right there on his shoulder? I'd know Helen anywhere!
JR: "The fabulous Moolah did write another book before her current release."
King: "Yeah... The Old Testiment"
King: "I hate sex on TV, I always fall off!"
LAWLER: You know J.R., obliviously the only exercise you get is stretching the truth or jumping to conclusions.
LAWLER: Sunny wants me. I can read her like a book, but I prefer the Braille edition.
(Owen Hart running away from Stone Cold Steve Austin)
LAWLER: Looks like Owen has opened up a can of haul-ass!
LAWLER: Andy Kaufman's mom wanted a girl, his father wanted a boy, and they were both satisfied!
(About the Legion of Doom)
LAWLER: The older they get, the better they were.
(Jim Ross asks "How come Brian Christopher looks so much like you?"
LAWLER: A long time ago, I got a vasectomy, and I paid for it with my MasterCard. Well, I forgot to pay the bill that month, so they sent someone over and they got my wife pregnant.
LAWLER: I'd like to see things from your point of view, J.R., but I can't get my head up my rear end.
(About Taka Michinoku)
LAWLER: Statistics show that somewhere in Japan, a woman gives birth to a baby every 4 seconds. Now I'm going over there and find that woman, and put a stop to it so we don't have people like Taka coming into our country.
(Stone Cold Steve Austin says he'll knock Vince's teeth out)
LAWLER: I don't think they are real anyway, but I don't think McMahon want's to lose them.
(About Road Dog)
LAWLER: When he was in Desert Storm, he was getting shot at by both sides.
LAWLER: If the Japanese are so smart, why do they eat with sticks?
LAWLER: When Sunny was in school she wasn't very good in history, but she was great on dates!
(Jim Ross implies that Sunny is too young for Lawler)
LAWLER: I'm not embarrassed to be seen with younger women, except when I drop them off at school.
LAWLER: Mark Henry just walked in front of me, I thought it was an eclipse.
LAWLER: Mabel is so huge, when he was a baby, be got baptised at Sea World.
(A five year old girl cheering Shawn Michaels)
LAWLER: Look at her, now I know why animals eat their young.
LAWLER: Helen Hart is so old, she remembers when the Dead Sea was sick.
LAWLER: I'm not a racist like Bret Hart, I hate everyone equally!
LAWLER: Cheating is only cheating when you get caught.
(Sunny come to the ring with her chest showing)
LAWLER: I don't know what the 7 wonders of the world are, but I do know that Sunny has 2 of them!
(Taz tells Lawler to say his wise cracks to his face)
LAWLER: Tell him to come down and I will tell him how short he is to his face. If I can bend down that far.
LAWLER: Is that Paul Bearer's face, or did his butt grow a nose?
LAWLER: Paul bearer has more chins than a Chinese phone book.
LAWLER: He (Ahmed Johnson) has the IQ of 2 and it takes 3 just to grunt.
LAWLER: That guy (Mankind) is two fries short of a Happy Meal.
LAWLER: Paul Bearer is so fat, he has his own gravitational pull!
LAWLER: This Bingo Hall (ECW Arena) should be built out of toilet paper because there's nothing in it but shit!
(Lawler talking about a ringside fan on camera)
LAWLER: He can pick up cable with those ears!
(Sable wearing an extremely revealing outfit)
LAWLER: I've seen more cotton on the top of an asprin bottle!
LAWLER: If it wasn't for Cornette, Yokozuna would still be on a beach selling shade.
LAWLER: Alundra Blaze has a million dollar body, but a ten cent face!
LAWER: McMahon thinks Snoop Doggy Dog belongs to Charlie Brown.
McMahon: Jesse James can sing as good as he can wrestle.
LAWLER: Then he won't win many matches!
(About Ahmed Johnson)
LAWLER: If the lights went out, he'd just need to smile for us to see him
LAWLER: Hey Finkel, the last time I saw something like you, I flushed it!
LAWLER: Cheating is only cheating if you get caught.
LAWLER: I'm not saying that Stu Hart is old, but I hear that Anna Nicole Smith is asking him out on a date.
LAWLER: I've heard of faces that could stop clocks, hers could stop all of Switzerland's.
LAWLER: I saw this guy having a drink in the bathroom before. Then the seat fell down and hit him on the head.
McMAHON: We have Jerry Lawler on the line. Mr. Lawler, are you there?
LAWLER: Ya I'm here McMahon and I can't believe you accepted this collect call. You're so cheap, you would not even tip a canoe.
(Lawler hit Tommy Dreamer in between the legs with Sandman's cane and Dreamer went to the hospital)
LAWLER: They're calling me and telling me, "Do you realize that you sent Tommy Dreamer to the hospital and he has to have his testicles worked on?" Ha! Well do you know how I know that is a lie? Because Dreamer you don't have any balls! If you would have gone to the hospital, you would have to go see a gynaecologist. And Sandman, the next time you see me, you better drink a case of that liquid courage because you're going to need to be real drunk so that you don't feel what I'm going to do to you. ECW, You Suck!
(Jim Ross asked Lawler if Brian Christopher is his son and then Lawler ask Ross if he had a son. Ross says he has two daughters)
LAWLER: Not packing enough chromosomes, huh? I'm sorry Ross!
(Sable comes to the announcer's table)
ROSS: King, stand up and be a gentleman.
LAWLER: I can't stand up right now.
(During a Marlena/Sunny arm wrestling match)
MARLENA: And to be honest, I'm not feeling too good right now...
LAWLER: (over headsets)- I'd like to feel her and find out.
LAWLER: Helen Hart is so old, she has an autographed copy of the Bible.
(During an evening gown match involving Fabulous Moolah)
LAWLER: That dress reminds me of Madam Butterfly...of course she was just a caterpillar when Moolah was last wrestling.
"I asked for puppies, not a dog."
-Jerry Lawler reffering to Nicole Bass.
"Not much upstairs, but what a staircase!!"
-Jerry Lawler, referring to Debra McMichael
"She's not your type! She's not inflateable."
-Jerry Lawler, reffering to Michael Cole.
"Hey your proctologist called, they found your head!"
-Jerry Lawler
"I understand that Marlena likes to talk to Goldust during sex, and last night she called him from a hotel"
-Jerry Lawler
Baddass:The next time I see Shamrock, Im gonna kcik his ASS!
Lawler:Well, you saw him a few minuites ago, and you did nothing!!!
"I heard that Max Minnie tryed to commit suicide by jumping off a curb."
-Jerry Lawler
"I asked sunny if she would ever consider dating you. She said she would rather give birth to a porcupine on fire." -Jerry Lawler
"A little sex on TV can't hurt anyone, unless you fall off." -Lawler
I'm not superstitious because I know that's unlucky. -Lawler
'I've never liked people who dress up in funny costumes'-Lawler
"I would rather have my hemorrhoids removed with a chainsaw then get in the ring with Chyna."-Jerry Lawler
"These guys put the "suck" in success, didn't they?"-- Lawler
Everybody's got one. Some people are one. - Lawler while crowd is chanting asshole to Bischoff
The state bird of Texas. - Lawler after Stone Cold gave the finger to Ric Flair
I'm trying to get the F out. - Lawler on trying to say WWE but WWF keeps coming out instead
JR: Bubba's pulling out his wood.
Lawler: Hehe...huh?
How many jobs, do you know in the world, that you can go around and call your boss an asshole and get away with it? - Lawler
Roses are red
Sometimes they're thorny
When I see Trish Stratus
I always get...
- King was trying to be like Jeff and write poetry
You never really know a woman till you meet her in court.
- Lawler
JR: "I wonder what Grandmaster Sexay's parents think of him?"
Lawler: "I dunno, why don't you ask them" - King Of The Ring, 2000
Look at all the toys under the ring.
- Jerry 'The King' Lawler
JR: Val Venis with a penetrating move.
Lawler: You said penetrating.
Heyman: "I'm in love!"
JR: "With a WOMAN? Wow."
(UT is preparing to give the Last Ride to Tajiri)
Lawler: What is he going to do?!!!!
Cole: (looks askance at Lawler as it is obvious what UT is doing) Well, uh...
"Boy look at HHH, he's having his way with Shane!" - Lawler
"[Sunny] didn't make a fool out of Phineas--God beat her to that."--Jerry Lawler
"Is that Paul Bearer's face or did his butt grow a nose?"--Jerry Lawler
"Looks like Goldust's gonna give his girlfriend artificial insem--I mean, respiration!"--Jerry Lawler
"As a baby, Bret Hart was so ugly that they had to put tinted windows on his incubator!"--Jerry Lawler
"You know, Alundra Blayze, with her looks could star in a T.V. western--if she had two more legs!"--Jerry Lawler
"At least his tuxedo matches his face--they're both ugly!"--Jerry Lawler, referring to Bret Hart
