"This is a bar of soap"

[A pre-recorded video of a bruised Andy Kaufman plays on the screen.]

Andy Kaufman: "Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Andy Kaufman as of course most of you know. Uh, I have a lot of unfinished business in the South. First and foremost in my mind is taking care of that dumb hillbilly, Jerry Lawler. I really wanna take care of him, that's most important to me. But I am gonna put that on the backburner for now and I wanna talk to you people out there. You people who live down here in the South, [mockingly] the 'good ol' south portion of the United States.' Okay? I wanna talk to you. And I wanna help you. Okay? I think, y'know, for the past year or two, I've been comin' down here. And you and I have been having this feud. I come in the ring and you go 'boo!' You don't like me, and I don't like you. I think now is the time where we should be friends, and let's make peace with one another? [Kaufman throws up a 'peace' sign.] Okay? Peace? Okay? And I, Andy Kaufman, as my token of peace towards you; my token of friendship towards you. I would like to do a little something for you, just as a personal favor, you don't owe me anything back.

Every week, I am going to be coming on here, on the station, and I am going to give you little tips about how you can better your lives and how I can... bring you up from the level that you're in right now and bring you up from the squaller that you're living in, the gutter and the garbage that your lives are. Okay? This is my personal favor to you. Now, this week, I'd like to start off, first and foremost, the most important thing... is personal hygiene. Okay?

Now... let's start off. This is a bar of soap. Now, does it look familiar to any of you? I know that you probably don't know what this is and probably you don't have ever seen one of these before. But it is called soap. Matter of fact, if you're sitting at home now, you can maybe repeat after me and say: 'soap'. Say 'soap'. S-O-A-P, soap. Not 'sowp'. Not 'say-owp.' It's 'soap', okay? [To the audience.] Say it? 'Soap.' Okay.

Now, I'm gonna open it up and show you what it looks like. This particular bar is blue. It comes in all kinds of different colors. This is blue. Okay? The way you use it is you go to the sink, turn it on-- if you have a sink, that is, or if you have any kind of lake nearby. Just go wet yourself, wet your hands... oh! And I would like to mention the reason that I want to tell you about soap: when I travelled around the South, y'know a lot of fans, a lot of wrestling fans, they recognize me from TV. They always want to put out their hands, they want to shake my hand. And I'll tell you something, it disgusts me. Their hands are so slimy!

You people, your hands are so greasy and slimy! I mean, I don't wanna shake 'em. You ask me for an autograph, I'll sign you an autograph. But please, don't put out your hand and shake it until you can wash your hands. That is what you do: Wet your hands, okay? Then wet the soap. Wash the soap, rub it on your hands and... rub it around and your hands will get clean. Another thing is: a shower. You turn on the water, wet your body, let your water wet your body with the soap. Rub the soap all over your body 'til your body is clean. Okay? Then you rinse -- this is very important now, don't come out of the shower with the soap still on. Very important, you gotta rinse the soap off. You rinse it off, you dry with a towel, and you're clean as a whistle. And then... you can shake my hand!

Okay, now that's my tip for this week. This's about soap. I'll see you next week for another tip. Bye!"

- Note: This was the first of a series of pre-taped promos by Kaufman that aired over numerous weeks on CWA television.