"Baloney Fudging Mustard"

[WWE Champion, Sheamus makes his entrance to mild reaction and boos, Sheamus looks around before lifting the microphone.]

Sheamus: "I've watched the footage of the severe beating of the chairman of this company several times from last week and I have to say I am disgusted... I am disgusted of went down last week... So as the WWE Champion I felt it was my responsibility to come out here and make a statement of behalf of the company...and that is...The CHAMP is HERE! [Sheamus poses and shakes his head while smiling, making fun of Cena's catchphrase before putting the belt on his shoulders.]

Now, even though those Nexus lads got involved in my match, Everybody knows that I would have beaten John Cena regardless, I would have proved that I am the worthy WWE champion. [Sheamus pauses while their are some mild 'Cena!' chants]

Look. I know it's unfortunate what happened, it's unfortunate what happened. But I think one important factor came out from all of this and that is...[Sheamus smiles again] John Cena is no longer the #1 Contender for my WWE Championship. [Sheamus poses with the championship again while the crowd boos.]

And why? Because he used his rematch clause so what does that mean for the Celtic Warrior, well I'll tell ya. No longer do I have to look at those tacky orange t-shirts, No longer do I have to listen to those gammy, 'Never Give Up' slogans of his. No longer do I have to listen to a lot of you chant, 'Cena, Cena, Cena' like a bunch of parrots.

And no longer do I have to listen to him make fun of me beautiful Irish skin" [camera pans to Sheamus' arm] by calling me a human jar of mayonnaise [Sheamus' face changes to one of frustration and anger] I hate you, Cena. I hate you...and you know what Fella? You can get to the back of the cue like everybody else because you're through, you're not gonna get another shot of my gold ever again."

[John Cena suddenly interrupts and makes his entrance to a good crowd reaction, Sheamus looks annoyed.]

Oi! [The crowd mildly chant Cena's name yet again] Oi! Hey! Hey! Over here. What are you doing here? I've told ya, you're not gonna get another shot at my WWE Championship or me again. So why don't you get out--"

John Cena: "You're not gonna get another shot, I know, I know, I didn't come out here for that. I came out here to ask you for help. Everybody saw how you won the WWE Championship, everybody saw how you kept the WWE Championship. It's that group of gym bros that calls themselves The Nexus. You see they made a target out of me because I was the WWE Champion...They almost ended my career. So Einstein, Who do you think they are coming after next? Nope, It's not Don Rickles, It's the Human Jar of Mayonnaise... Philadelphia's own Giant block of Cream Cheese...The WWE Champion, you... So I'm gonna cut to the chase, we don't like each other, so what? I know you're tough as nails and I know you can fight. You wanna keep your WWE Championship? You wanna keep your career? Then help. Help me. Right now. We start off Monday Night RAW the way we should start off Monday Night RAW for one night only. We fight not against each other side by side, right now I'm calling out that entire Nexus and we are gonna start off Monday Night RAW with an old fashion brawl!"

[The sound of the anonymous RAW General Manager's laptop sounds, followed by loud boos.]
Michael Cole: "Excuse Me Gentleman, Gentleman...I believe I've received an email...."

[Sheamus looks yet again annoyed while Michael Cole walks to the podium to read the email]

If I can have everyone's attention please... [The crowd boos] I've just received an email from our anonymous RAW general manager and I quote, 'I will wait until next week to take action against the group referring to themselves as Nexus. I will allow spokesman Wade Barrett time to present his case to the WWE officials. However, as far as tonight is concerned if any member of that group makes any contact with any WWE Superstar, they will be terminated, However, HOWEVER, If any WWE superstar initiates any contact tonight, They will be suspended. Thank you."

Sheamus: "What?"

John Cena: [Cena looks disappointed] "Well thanks a bunch Mr. Anonymous RAW General Manager, That plan is completely ruined. The night's not a total loss though because I think we've all learned something here today, We've learned something about you. You're more than just a bunch of pale skin and the worst haircut I've ever seen since Kid ‘N Play. All though, I did learn some excellent dance moves maneuvers from House Party 2 and 3. [John Cena starts to dance for a little before stopping] We've learned that you're a good dude. Quite honestly you're a pretty good guy, you're a guy who's thinking to himself right now, 'Man we should have started Monday Night RAW off with a big old fashioned brawl, we should've but we can't.' So now you're thinking, "We should start off Monday Night RAW with a WWE Championship Match!"

[The sound of the anonymous RAW General Manager's laptop sounds again while Michael Cole yet again walks up to the podium]

Michael Cole: "Well, Ladies and Gentleman. The General Manager has now informed me that WWE Champion, Sheamus will indeed be in action tonight, however his opponent will be The World's Strongest Man, Mark Henry."

[John Cena bends over for a bit before looking cartoonishly disappointed covering his face with his cap before throwing it on the ground]

John Cena: "Baloney fudging mustard! [He drops to his knees in the ring] My life is being ruined by the internet, I haven't flipped out this bad since my mom cancelled my subscription to Warcraft! [The crowd laughs] Michael Cole, you listen up and you listen good. You have this anonymous general manager email me personally. My address is..." [Cena takes off his cap to scratch his head before putting it back on] "My...My... my... my address is...uhm.....candypants564@gmail.org...It's a non-profit thing I got going on--"

[The sound of the anonymous RAW General Manager's laptop sounds yet again]

Michael Cole: "I am now being told via email that in three weeks, A brand new pay-per-view will debut called Money in the Bank. This event will feature Money in the Bank ladder matches. One from RAW, One from SmackDown. Where the winner will receive a contract for a championship match against the current champion of that brand anytime, anyplace for up to a full year. The eight participants competing in the RAW Money in the Bank Ladder Match will be revealed later tonight... As for right now, The new General Manager would like to...demonstrate."

Sheamus: "The GM can demonstrate all he wants, I've wasted enough time with this. I'm out of here."

[Sheamus drops the mic and leaves the ring, by the time he gets to the ramp, A steel cage is seen lowering down to the ring while Cena has his hands on his hips.]

[The sound of the anonymous RAW General Manager's laptop sounds for a fourth time.]

Michael Cole: "Ladies and Gentlemen, our General Manager says that since last week's title match ended inconclusively, at Money in The Bank, Sheamus will defend the WWE Championship against John Cena... [The crowd cheers while Sheamus grits his teeth in anger.] in a match designed to make sure there is no outside interference. It will be John Cena versus Sheamus for the WWE Championship inside a Steel Cage."

[Cena flexes his muscles while Sheamus stares him down and Cena's music plays.]

- Credit: Thanks to inmate Open The Vault for transcribing this promo.