Shawn Phoenix

[10.0] "I remember when I was a kid - my Mom used to say that Shawn lives under my bed. I have never seen him there, so it always broke my heart. Albeit one day when I just finished masturbating into my trusty old sock and threw it under the bed. I heard an unmistakable thud. The only thud you hear when you throw an apple into the kitchen sink and it explodes into pieces. When I looked underneath - here he was! Shawn Phoenix looked like an old shoebox that was there forever, but I knew that it wasn't damn old shoebox - it was him."

"I'll never forget the day my daughter was born; not just because of the miracle of life, but because Shawn Phoenix was there. I don't know how he got into the delivery room. I didn't even know he knew I was pregnant. but there he was, shirtless and radiant, wearing wrestling boots and sunglasses indoors. While the doctors had my uterus out during the C-section (don't ask, it was a whole thing) Shawn Phoenix took a sterile tattoo gun from his fanny pack, autographed my uterus, and saluted it before they lovingly tucked it back into my body. My OB cried. Not because of the moment's intensity, but because she was a fan. At his most recent match, after signing everything from t-shirts to actual deeds of property and performing spiritual healing on a guy's dog, I saw him exit the venue through the secret green room door. He looked back at me one last time with eyes full of molten wisdom, then clapped his hands above his head and let out a screeching eagle like call so powerful that nearby birds took flight. He erupted into flames and rocketed into the night sky like a phoenix shaped firework. Off to his next show. If you think you've seen all that pro wrestling has to offer, you haven't met the cryptid king himself."

"Shawn is great! when my friends and I met him, he went above and beyond to make us feel comfortable like we had known him our entire life. He has this enormous skin flap extending from his torso, and he wrapped it around us and vibrated at a low, calming frequency to clam us down. He was able to fit all seven of us in there at one time"