"Ladies and gentlemen: This is toilet paper"

Andy Kaufman: "Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Andy Kaufman as of course most of you know. Uh, I have a lot of unfinished business in the South. First and foremost in my mind is taking care of that dumb hillbilly, Jerry Lawler. I really wanna take care of him, that's most important to me. But I am gonna put that on the backburner for now and I wanna talk to you people out there. You people who live down here in the South, the Good Ol' South Portion of the United States. Okay? I wanna talk to you. And I wanna help you. Every week, I am going to be coming on here, on the station, and I am going to give you little tips – about how you can better your lives and how I can bring you up from the level that you're in right now and bring you up from the squaller that you're living in, the gutter and the garbages that your lives are.

This is a bar of soap. Now, does it look familiar to any of you? I know that you probably don't know what this is and probably you don't have ever seen one of these before. But it is called soap. Matter of fact, if you're sitting at home now, you can maybe repeat after me and say: 'Soap'. Say 'soap'. S-O-A-P, soap. Not 'sowp'. Not 'say-owp.' It's 'soap', okay?

You people, your hands are so greasy and slimy. I mean, I don't wanna shake 'em. You ask me for an autograph, I'll sign you an autograph. But please, don't put out your hand and shake it until you can wash your hands. That is what you do: Wet your hands, okay, then wet the soap. Wash the soap, rub it on your hands, rub it around and your hands will get clean.

Now, you ladies out there: This is a razor. Hair looks terrible when it grows out of a woman's armpit or on a woman's leg. And let me tell you something: You ladies, I have been travelling around the South, I see you in your shorts and I've seen some of the hairiest legs. Where have you people been raised? You take a razor and you shave, you shave under the armpits – and you shave up the legs, you see?

You probably may not be aware of this, but this is a major problem in the South. A foul, foul smell in the air. Just take a breath, right now, as you're watching me. Take a whiff. You smell it? Urgh, it's terrible. Ladies and gentlemen, this is toilet paper. It is sold. All you people gotta do is buy it and use it. And you people should use it. I tell you and I guarantee you that that will stop the foul smell. It will bring the smell up to a level so that at least the air in the South will be almost breathable."